What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man
-------------------------------------------------------------
Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.
--------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and
can't find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
"Doctor , Doctor! He cries , "you've got to help me, I feel like
I'm turning into coconut"
Says the doctor, "You're bountae "
------------------------------------------------------------
What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.
-------------------------------
-----------------------------
There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its
hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.
-------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an illegitimate insect ?
A fly bastart.
---------------------------------------------------------
Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.
------------------------------------------------------
What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named
after a queue for the toilet ?
The Aw Needin Line.
-------------------------------------------------------
The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
"Fur ma roon shooders"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.
------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the
Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler
-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karao ke ?
Gupty Singh
--------------------------------------------------------------
Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub
discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything
organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception,
the
rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues
Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart
in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he's been
given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?'
she asks
The boy says, " I play the part of the Scottish husband " .
The mother scowls and says,
'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!
-----------------------------------------------------------
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room,
waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined
the baby,
checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked
if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while
in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said,
"No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I
came son!"
---------------------------------------------------------
One day a Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said,
Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said,
"I think he said ' F****** hell! A talking pig! '
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes !
---------------------------------------------
A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman
------------------------------------------
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when
his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying
pan.
Whit wis that fur?" he cries
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets
with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the
races
Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on." She seems
satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the
house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out
cold.
When he comes around,he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
----------------------------------------
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep,
the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering
if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea .let's kidd-on wir married.
" Why not," giggles the woman.
Guid", he replies. "Get yer ain blanket"
Today at 3:54 pm by 
Subject: Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland 
