A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

These are class wg.

Love all of them mazzie, especially the first and the last.

i cant understand them

As Jim Royle would say..................................MY ARSE !

i would kiss any womans arse

big brian emailed me this im putting it in here because i doubt the overseas members will have a clue what it mean

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's keech an' pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me.'
The game keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you get more that way!!!

Good one wg. That one can be changed to suit all sorts.

A teacher was testing children in his Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

he asked them, 'If he sold his house and car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all his money to the church, would that get him into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

If he cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get him into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now he was starting to smile.

Well, then, if he was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the

children, and loved his wife, would that get him into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'.

he was just bursting with pride for them.

he continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'







A six year-old boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTO BE F**N' DEAD......!!!!!

the hen house
The priest in a small Scotish village loved the c**k and ten hens he kept in
the hen house behind the church But one Saturday night the c**k went
missing. The priest knew that c**k fights happened in the village so he
started to question his parishioners in church the next
morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a c**k?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a
c**k?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k that
doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY
c**k?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Damn those Scotish Priests ....

There are two things a Scot likes naked.
One of them is malt whisky!

***

Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life.
Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.

***

Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "
Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride."
Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks."

***

Teacher: " What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ? "
Little Sandy: " A teacher."

***

Donald: " I always feel that I'm covered in gold paint, doctor."
Psychiatrist: " Oh, that's just your gilt complex."

***

In the highlands, in the country places,
Where the old men have rosy faces,
And the young maidens

Quiet eyes. - Robert Louis Stevenson

***
Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

***

Seems that a Clan Chiefs daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring Chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep.
The big swap was to happen on the shore of the stream that separated the two clans.
Father and daughter showed up at the appointed time only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream.
The father grunted, '' The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."

***

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop.
The man said, " How about a date later ? "
She said, " I'm married."
" So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend."
She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."