Test for cultural identity
> >
> > To appreciate this email you have to have lived and worked in
> > Scotland, OR have been around Scots people a lot. It tests if the
> > extent to which you understand the strange way Scots talk amongst
> > themselves. And then it tests your taste for the strange, corny
> > sense of humour - something which often takes a long time to
> > understand, i.e. tests how long you really were in Scotland
> > ....
> > Until email was invented this test never left Scotland. Here it is
> > - how many of these 22 jokes do you get?
> > Can you match the quality with your own material and contribute to
> > the Government strategy of growing Scottish humour at a rate to
> > match that of equivalent countries in the western world (excluding
> > Germany for the obvious reason) by 2015 ?
> >
> > Hint: this is difficult, even if you were born and brought up in
> > Scotland you may not get them all! If you get more than eight you
> > become an honorary Scotsman(woman)!
> >
> > 1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
> > 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
> > 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
> > 'From my knickers tae ma feet. '
> >
> > 2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
> > 'Comfy?'asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.
> >
> > 3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their
> > autobiography...?
> > Oor Wullie.
> >
> > 4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the
> > set of antlers?'
> > 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
> > 'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
> >
> > 5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
> > He's awa' noo.
> >
> > 6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll
> > be wearing the kilt.
> > 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
> > 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
> >
> > 7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
> >
> >
> > 8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
> > The dark tan yin.
> >
> > 9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a
> > telephone box.
> > So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
> > 'Is there money in the box?' 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
> >
> > 10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
> > 'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
> > And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
> >
> > 11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
> > Hawkeye The Noo.
> >
> > 12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
> > A skean dhu.
> >
> > 13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
> > Just Juan.
> >
> > 14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that
> > there is a lace missing.
> > 'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .'
> >
> > 15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an
> > Aberdeen sheep farmer?
> > The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
> > And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
> >
> > 16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
> > A wee fly b*****d.
> >
> > 17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the
> > queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
> > It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
> >
> > 18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle
> > accident?
> > The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
> >
> > 19 . While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is
> > asked:
> > 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
> > 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
> > 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
> > 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
> >
> > 21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two
> > positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'
> >
> > 22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle
> > Street. When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
> > 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
> > 'Piston broke,' he replies.
> > 'Aye, same as masel..

Pure class killie..............pure dead brilliant.

Here's a couple to add to the list:-

Three flies crawling up a windae, whit wan's the doactor..............the surgeon.

Whit dae ye ca' a wan legged chinaman..................wan san shoo.

thanks for that mazzie, fandabbidozi

Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
ya canny wash yer hands in a buffalo

There's hundreds of them around. And they're still funny.
Ye have tae say that yin wi' a posh Kelvinside accent sweep.

Copper wire was invented by two scotsmen fighting over a penny.

I love Summer in Scotland, it's my favourite day of the year which is ideal because I can't go out into the sun without getting burnt badly.
I have a pet haggis. I may eat him one day but for now I'll just fatten him up and flavour him with copious amounts of Irn Bru and Glenmorangie.
I learned to swear before I could count and was bewitched by the delights of a single malt before I could walk, which bypasses the one rubber leg syndrome saving a lot of hassle with falling over and peeing down my leg.
An American was visiting God's Own when he came across a tattie howker. The American claimed that, "Over in the USA we grow potatoes twice that size", to which the tattie howker remarked, "You must grow yur tatties on the same principle as wursels, "choost beeg enuff till fit wur mooths".

I'll get my coat, as they say.

took me awhile but i got it